So, I’m reading more about this peaceful parenting thing — and you know how things sometimes get mixed up in your head in a really Freudian way? I keep calling it perfection parenting which isn’t exactly helpful as far as a mental image, for me — and I go back into my own archives this morning to read Stacy @ mama-om’s guest post, from back when Jonah was born.
I’m sure at the time I agreed with every word, but also I remember not really getting it yet. His will, my will, counterwill…?
Now, I get counterwill.
For example, Then:
Getting Jonah to nap. Wrap squalling newborn in Moby against chest. Assume sumo wrestler position, add Hula-type hip swaying and Aboriginal stomp-stomp. Sing Cal Drinking Song or Alphabet Song as desired. Repeat until baby stops crying and falls asleep. Putter around house while trying not to smack lump of infant stuck to front against walls, doors, washing machine.
Getting Jonah to nap, Now:
Spend morning playing all over house, rolling ball, singing Jump-Jump went the Little Green Frog, climbing stairs, crawling (cat food? nooooo! shakes head and waves arm over bowl, then sneaks waves lower until hand is dipping in) jumping in Jumperoo in front of mirror (not his favorite activity anymore now that he’s mobile but turn it into game/dance party by parking JPR in front of mirror and dancing and jumping around in time to music with baby).
Notice eye rubbing at 8:11 a.m. Proceed to nursery with wiggly baby under one arm. Enter nursery which is soothingly cool. Toys are all put away, books stacked neatly on low table by glider. Gentle light reflecting off of house next door filters in through creamy curtains. Turn on sound machine and lullaby CD.
Baby yawns, rubs eyes again. Notice pink circles under his eyes. Read four books to clearly tired baby. Carry him to side of crib, rock him while standing next to crib. Put him down in crib. Baby pops up. Put him down again.
Exit room saying keywords “naptime” “sleeeeeeep” and signing “sleep,” blowing kisses even as baby is popping up to standing for millionth time, in protest. Return to crib, try to return baby to flat position, rubbing back, patting bottom, etc. as amazing pop-up baby again refutes your attempts with stunning speed and strength. Repeat “sleep” “sleep” and kisses as you exit.
Wait three minutes, interpreting cries from the next room. Is he angry? Is he about to fall asleep? Return to nursery. Baby is standing, shaking crib rails like a prisoner at Attica. Repeat bodily efforts at returning baby to prone position. Repeat exhortations, exit. Wait three more minutes.
Return to room. Baby is standing again. Cue self-doubt, panic, agony. Why doesn’t this work? Why won’t he sleep? Is it my fault? How does one do this perfectly? peacefully? If it were up to the baby, he’d never nap until he fell asleep, hours or days later, mid-stride during whatever activity that isn’t sleeping.
Remove baby from crib, return to glider chair with stack of books. Sob quietly/meditate while holding books open for baby to page through, babbling/reading out loud to himself.
After 20 minutes, pick baby up. Walk over to crib. Grip baby, vice-like against chest in the cradle hold, swinging my upper torso back and forth while he squirms and squalls. Hold tighter. Sing “Lov-er-ly” over and over and over as baby succumbs in spurts. Closed eyes for a second, pop open, then close again, struggle, relax, struggle, and finally, sleep.
* * *
It’s been better and worse, mostly worse, over the last several days. Daze. I was so sleep deprived yesterday I couldn’t write it down and now the memory is fading in the way that the day-to-day-ness of this first year seems to; ephemeral; amnesia.
I know these things happened: One night, he was up from 9:30 – midnight, a trick he’s never pulled before. We tried EVERYTHING. Nothing worked: not rocking, nursing, bringing him into bed with us, Tylenol, singing. Until something did work or we wore him out?
The next day, he wouldn’t nap. Three rounds of into the crib/out of the crib, car ride, a stroller walk, another car ride. Nothing. Until 1:30 p.m. when he fell asleep and stayed that way for 41 minutes. Not. Enough.
The general wisdom is that this is what happens when they teethe AND are having growth spurts AND are leaping up the physical milestones ladder. He almost seems at times to be unwittingly keeping himself awake. His body going through the motions of crawling sitting standing against his sleepy baby will. Other times, it’s HIS will clearly.
I don’t want to sleep. Get me out of here.
Husband found resources online to this effect. One piece of advice (from DrGreene.com):
“When Junior does wake up, naturally he wants to work on putting this most exciting of new skills into practice. Once on his feet, the way back down looks very scary! Junior’s instinctual response is to scream for help! At this point, the thing Junior needs most is to be gently helped back into his favorite sleeping position and soothed back to sleep. You may need to do this several times a night during the phase when your child is learning a new skill. When Junior has mastered the new skill, he will resume sleeping through the night, if in the mean time he hasn’t come to depend on rocking or feeding.”
So, last night, at 2 a.m., when the boy awoke, angry and upright, husband sprang into action. Not that we haven’t already tried the lay-him-back-down strategy a hundred times, but with a new resolve… in-crib ministrations gave way to out-of-crib rocking and singing and when the protests didn’t stop gave way to me nursing him, and then he fell asleep and stayed that way till 6.
How do you reason with a baby? How do you not rock and nurse when he’s crying in the middle of the night? How do you parent without squashing will and spirit?
He may be considering giving up his morning nap, which Jack did starting at about 11 months. During this time he was also teething and getting ready to walk, so there was a lot going on.
I was bummed when he gave up his morning nap, but he did start sleeping better at night. The transition from two naps to one probably took about 1 month to sort out. During that month Jack was miserably tired a lot — it was kind of a damned if you do, damned if you don’t napping situation. Eventually, it works out.
As far as getting him back to sleep in the middle of the night, we did one of the things you’re “not supposed” to do: nursed him back to sleep. Now at almost 3, Jack is happy and healthy in every way (including his teeth).
Hang in there!
Jane Huber’s last blog post..Jack at a glance 10/20/08
I bet he’s going for that one-nap-a-day thing, too. Flanny seems to be moving in that direction (urged mostly by his daycare, not by me; they like it when everyone naps at the same time midday). And he’s cranky as hell by the end of the day, but doesn’t want to take a second nap.
Q.: When Jonah stands himself up, can he sit back down on his own? Maybe he will ease back into those lovely 11-hour stretches once he’s comfortable sitting back down on his own in the dark?
Laura’s last blog post..Back and forth
Jane — oh good! So I only have 25 months to go! I’m glad to hear the nursing to sleep ultimately worked out because I think I’m going to MILK it as a sleep tool for all its worth.
Laura — He can’t sit down yet. He falls down sometimes and bonks his head. I am hoping that all that great sleeping he did before will kick back in once we get through this learning to walk in the middle of the night thing.
I always did just nurse/rock in the middle of the night. Any time I tried to cut it out it just did not work and I mean DID. NOT. I feels yr pain!
mayberry’s last blog post..Further adventures in firefighting
Darling – I don’t think it’s possible to squash the spirit of a child when you are paying so much attention to his needs and rhythms. Basically, I think because you are trying so hard, you can’t wrong, unless it’s in trying too hard. Whatever you do, you care about him, and that’s what comes through. I think babies are pretty darned resilient. What squashes them is lack of love, not a bed-time routine that “doesn’t work”.
I mean, what if nothing you did would change his sleep behavior? Just saying… Maybe none of us can really control our children’s sleep patterns that well… Maybe all we can do is show up for an attempt at a routine, and hope we stay calm until it gets better.
RE: nursing until 3 – I’m glad Jane said it, not me…
Leila Abu-Saba’s last blog post..Roman Sea Road, Tyre
Whoops, sorry if I lead y’all along — we didn’t nurse until three. We made it almost to about 18 months, when I got a staph infection and the antibiotics were not nursing friendly. It was perfect timing, because Jack was like, whatever.
It was an awesome thing — no tears weaning!
Anyway, my point was that the authorities say no night nursing because it’s bad for their teeth, and we tried not to do it, but it really was the only thing that got Jack back to sleep in the middle of the night during his teething. Sometimes now when we have a rough time getting Jack to sleep (hardly ever, hurray for that) I still have that primal urge to nurse him, since it ALWAYS worked.
Jane Huber’s last blog post..Jack at a glance 10/20/08
morning
i agree with leila: babies are pretty resilient and i think that when you love your child so much, they know.
i’ve realized through blogging that it’s more important than ever to trust myself as a mother because there will ALWAYS be people out there who decide that they know the best way and it sure as hell isn’t mine. there are so many opinions, so many judgements. it’s daunting and i admire the fact that you write so openly about it. i don’t have the guts. well, some days i do, but not everyday.
my little one will be napping soon (fingers crossed) so i’ll be able to read more and more of you with my coffee.
krista’s last blog post..from such great heights
AAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaargh! Why don’t I remember any of this?
P.S. Don’t worry about traumatizing the baby. What you think is awful they won’t remember and what you forget they will remember. A parent just can’t control these things. The difference between intention and preception is huge. It is funny how that works.
I think you’ve got some lovely comments from some great folks…
I would love to talk with you more but I no longer have your email address. Can you email me? (mamaomblog @ gmail dot com)
Blessings,
Stacy