panic parenting

So, I’m reading more about this peaceful parenting thing — and you know how things sometimes get mixed up in your head in a really Freudian way? I keep calling it perfection parenting which isn’t exactly helpful as far as a mental image, for me — and I go back into my own archives this morning to read Stacy @ mama-om’s guest post, from back when Jonah was born.

I’m sure at the time I agreed with every word, but also I remember not really getting it yet. His will, my will, counterwill…?

Now, I get counterwill.

For example, Then:

Getting Jonah to nap. Wrap squalling newborn in Moby against chest. Assume sumo wrestler position, add Hula-type hip swaying and Aboriginal stomp-stomp. Sing Cal Drinking Song or Alphabet Song as desired. Repeat until baby stops crying and falls asleep. Putter around house while trying not to smack lump of infant stuck to front against walls, doors, washing machine.

Getting Jonah to nap, Now:

Spend morning playing all over house, rolling ball, singing Jump-Jump went the Little Green Frog, climbing stairs, crawling (cat food? nooooo! shakes head and waves arm over bowl, then sneaks waves lower until hand is dipping in) jumping in Jumperoo in front of mirror (not his favorite activity anymore now that he’s mobile but turn it into game/dance party by parking JPR in front of mirror and dancing and jumping around in time to music with baby).

Notice eye rubbing at 8:11 a.m. Proceed to nursery with wiggly baby under one arm. Enter nursery which is soothingly cool. Toys are all put away, books stacked neatly on low table by glider. Gentle light reflecting off of house next door filters in through creamy curtains. Turn on sound machine and lullaby CD.

Baby yawns, rubs eyes again. Notice pink circles under his eyes. Read four books to clearly tired baby. Carry him to side of crib, rock him while standing next to crib. Put him down in crib. Baby pops up. Put him down again.

Exit room saying keywords “naptime” “sleeeeeeep” and signing “sleep,” blowing kisses even as baby is popping up to standing for millionth time, in protest. Return to crib, try to return baby to flat position, rubbing back, patting bottom, etc. as amazing pop-up baby again refutes your attempts with stunning speed and strength. Repeat “sleep” “sleep” and kisses as you exit.

Wait three minutes, interpreting cries from the next room. Is he angry? Is he about to fall asleep? Return to nursery. Baby is standing, shaking crib rails like a prisoner at Attica. Repeat bodily efforts at returning baby to prone position. Repeat exhortations, exit. Wait three more minutes.

Return to room. Baby is standing again. Cue self-doubt, panic, agony. Why doesn’t this work? Why won’t he sleep? Is it my fault? How does one do this perfectly? peacefully? If it were up to the baby, he’d never nap until he fell asleep, hours or days later, mid-stride during whatever activity that isn’t sleeping.

Remove baby from crib, return to glider chair with stack of books. Sob quietly/meditate while holding books open for baby to page through, babbling/reading out loud to himself.

After 20 minutes, pick baby up. Walk over to crib. Grip baby, vice-like against chest in the cradle hold, swinging my upper torso back and forth while he squirms and squalls. Hold tighter. Sing “Lov-er-ly” over and over and over as baby succumbs in spurts. Closed eyes for a second, pop open, then close again, struggle, relax, struggle, and finally, sleep.

* * *

It’s been better and worse, mostly worse, over the last several days. Daze. I was so sleep deprived yesterday I couldn’t write it down and now the memory is fading in the way that the day-to-day-ness of this first year seems to; ephemeral; amnesia.

I know these things happened: One night, he was up from 9:30 – midnight, a trick he’s never pulled before. We tried EVERYTHING. Nothing worked: not rocking, nursing, bringing him into bed with us, Tylenol, singing. Until something did work or we wore him out?

The next day, he wouldn’t nap. Three rounds of into the crib/out of the crib, car ride, a stroller walk, another car ride. Nothing. Until 1:30 p.m. when he fell asleep and stayed that way for 41 minutes. Not. Enough.

The general wisdom is that this is what happens when they teethe AND are having growth spurts AND are leaping up the physical milestones ladder. He almost seems at times to be unwittingly keeping himself awake. His body going through the motions of crawling sitting standing against his sleepy baby will. Other times, it’s HIS will clearly.

I don’t want to sleep. Get me out of here.

Husband found resources online to this effect. One piece of advice (from DrGreene.com):

“When Junior does wake up, naturally he wants to work on putting this most exciting of new skills into practice. Once on his feet, the way back down looks very scary! Junior’s instinctual response is to scream for help! At this point, the thing Junior needs most is to be gently helped back into his favorite sleeping position and soothed back to sleep. You may need to do this several times a night during the phase when your child is learning a new skill. When Junior has mastered the new skill, he will resume sleeping through the night, if in the mean time he hasn’t come to depend on rocking or feeding.”

So, last night, at 2 a.m., when the boy awoke, angry and upright, husband sprang into action. Not that we haven’t already tried the lay-him-back-down strategy a hundred times, but with a new resolve… in-crib ministrations gave way to out-of-crib rocking and singing and when the protests didn’t stop gave way to me nursing him, and then he fell asleep and stayed that way till 6.

How do you reason with a baby? How do you not rock and nurse when he’s crying in the middle of the night? How do you parent without squashing will and spirit?