where did tuesday go?

Time is really elusive in this world of naps and boobs and diapers.

Never left the house yesterday. But today, today I went for a walk up and down the block, up and down our stairs, around the back yard — to calm the screaming boy, but also to enjoy the nice weather, without going too far. Am still scarred a little from the walk we took a few days ago where he cried for three blocks on the way home because of a wet diaper and hunger. Screaming, raging crying. Ugh.

When Scott came home from work tonight, we decided I would go to the grocery store instead of him. My first trip out, alone, sans baby. My first time driving my (fast, fun) car since before the birth.

It was glorious. I especially enjoyed taking my time at the store, selecting produce, sampling moisturizers. I bought crackers and spices and dried fruit and kefir — all sorts of things that aren’t essential, things I wouldn’t think to put on a list to ask Scott or our parents to buy on a supplies run. I filled a small size to-go cup with creamy clam chowder and drank it down as I wandered around the store.

I especially noticed all the moms. There was a woman in the parking lot who danced the cart in wiggly lines from her car to the door, to entertain her daughter riding in the seat — all bundled in pink fleece. There was the woman who waited almost too politely for me to get my soup before taking her turn at the bar, with her big baby asleep in the carseat atop the cart. “I take up so much space with this baby!” she explained apologetically.

There was the woman whose little boy pushed his cart into mine accidentally as he was driving it from produce to the meat counter. “I have to let him have some autonomy,” his mother explained, shrugging and smiling.

No problem.

I wanted to tell all of them, I’m a mom too. I just had a baby five weeks ago! He’s at home with my husband. But I didn’t say anything.

* * *

I consulted with various members of my team today on the topics that had me in a panic. According to lactation consultant, I don’t need to worry about maintaining my milk supply at this point. I had been rather obsessively watching the clock between feedings and worrying about waking him up from naps or/and pumping to make sure my reserves were being used — somewhat a vestige of the advice I received during the early weeks of feeding when supply gets established, I guess.

After talking to friends and to LC I am finally giving that up. Or at least trying to. I might still worry a little but mostly I’m just going to let him nap and nurse as he needs and assume my milk supply will adjust appropriately. As long as he’s gaining weight on schedule then no one else is worried.

I also was convinced/worried that baby has a rash or/and eczema but in discussing it with my post partum doula, I’m pretty sure it’s just baby acne. Really bad, all over his face, baby acne. Sigh.

All of this, once again, proving that my ‘calm mama’ moniker is completely ironic.

* * *

In other news: I’m sad to report that while I seemed to make it through the pregnancy without stretch marks, they’ve since appeared on my deflated belly. Is that unusual?

If you are pregnant and reading this, be sure to keep putting that belly butter on even after the baby comes. (I wonder if that would have helped.)

Oh well. Badges of honor and all that.