I recently realized something I should have noticed a while ago. I mean really. Who is in charge around here?
When that boy says ‘no’ he means no. No, don’t put me in that jumper. No, I don’t want to nap. No, no more of that food (followed by pthfff pthfff pthfff squinty spit face sounds for emphasis). He shakes his head at everyone. Hey kid, gimme five? No.
Sometimes it means no, just not this minute. If I’m offering him something, I may offer twice. Sometimes it’s yes later. Not the word yes, or the head shake, but the mouth open, accepting the food, or a hearty giggle. Yeeeesssss.
He’s started actually saying the word no, just a little bit. And it disturbed me to hear it out loud.
I got a helpful handout from my pediatrician at his one-year appointment entitled “Positive Parenting.” It talked about how if you say “No” all the time, your kid will view you as the-person-who-says-no. Instead of always saying no when your child is grabbing, say, cat food, or an electrical plug, try simply removing these tempting objects from his reach, distracting him, etc.
I say “no” to him all the time. I say it in threes “nonono” when he sticks his hand in the cat’s bowl et al. I sometimes say it sweetly. I sometimes say it harshly. But I say it altogether too much.
And then there’s the fact that he has absolutely no interest in my opinion in those moments. At best, he pauses, sits back, shakes his head in a faux “no” — he’s really saying, I understand, you said the word no. You want me to not do this thing, and just as soon as I’m done adorably shaking my head, I’m going to go ahead and do it anyway.
My no has no power whatsoever.
And I say it all day long.
So now, I’m going to go on a no diet. As much as possible, I’m going with increased positive language, acts of deflection, preemptive temptation removals. Eat your yestables.
The handout also said that for every no, you have to say ten yeses. That made me realize that I could be more verbal about my appreciation when he’s behaving like an angel. More color commentary. The trick is not to be facetious. He’ll see through that, I’m sure.
Yes we call it “catch ’em being good.” Instead of “no don’t do that (name obnoxious behavior here)” try saying “Wow I like how you are playing so nicely with your brother, using kind words. I like how you got yourself ready. Wow, you put your shoes on, thank you! Oh you did such a good job helping set the table for dinner.”
Which reminds me, I did not make nearly enough fuss over 2d child tonight, who helped organize & set dinner table. I will go up now and tell him how much I appreciate that. & he did his homework. I was too tired today but I need to tell him this. He is hearing a great deal about how wrong he is on everything.
POsitive parenting is not easy… but it gets good results and it’s just more loving. Catch ’em being good.
When I got my dog four years ago, the behavioural training I did with him (treats! for everything!) included descriptive commands instead of “no no NO”. It really worked with the dog, and I became conditioned (behaviourally trained!) to never say “no”…so with my kid I’m always saying “off” or “leave it alone” or “let go” etc. Not sure if that’s particularly positive, but it’s a bit more meaningful and situation-specific.
Not that you asked for input. But there you go.
eva’s last blog post..Open Mouth, Insert Foot
That good yes-to-no ratio is so powerful. But also so hard to do!
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YES!
That is such a good reminder. Somebody once told me (I think in my teaching credential program) to frame rules positively, e.g. “always walk indoors” as opposed to “no running,” or in my case more recently, “no bite!” when Laszlo bites my nipple. (I’ve got to remember to downplay that.) Once when I visited my brother’s family, I noticed my nephew would approach the dog, who was benignly lying on the rug, and say, “No, Sammy! No, no!”
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Yes that trick of describing the behavior you want is so … useful. And hard to do. My hubby is always saying NO firmly and loudly but I have realized that the kids don’t know what it is we DO want.
Please walk. Please move away from the stove. Don’t stand on the chair rung, remember when the chair broke and you fell down? Please get down off the furniture. Don’t hit your brother, use words to tell him what you want.
And with kids who have communication issues and physical issues you often have to help them do what you want. Yelling at them to not do what you don’t want just makes them frustrated. A kid with communication handicap will consistently go for hitting when he can’t find words. You have to intervene on the hitting and help him express. And THEN praise him extravagantly when he does use words. I have taken to praising some pretty ugly words — the kid is saying what he’s thinking, not thwapping, so that’s progress, right?
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Oh, boy… I know what you mean! I try so hard to give positive instructions,but sometimes, like when the 9-month old tried to eat cat LITTER, the only response that seemed appropriate was, “NOOOOOOOOO! Nononononononononooooo!”
As for the 3-year old… I’m trying to come up with a positive alternative to “Don’t push your brother,” when “play gently” produces nothing but dirty looks.
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