“That’s why you haven’t been posting as much lately,” Leila says when I tell her that I’m in the midst of.
That’s one of the reasons. I mean, also, I’ve been ill. And insecure about my life choices. You know…
I’ve written before about my concern about blogging the bad days, the days when my brain is trying to eat me. The sense that putting my negative thoughts into the inter-ether somehow magnifies them, magnetizes them, brings me down more. So this week when I was feeling bad after feeling good, I just didn’t type.
Been thinking I could use a code for it — like this is a black marble day or something. I remember in high school reading about some famous philosopher (Aristotle?) who either did — or suggested one should (must have suggested, this would be a pretty big damn vase) — put a white marble in a giant vase on his good days and a black marble on his bad days, and then at the end of his life, he could break the vase open and have a quantitative measure as to whether he was truly happy.
Incidentally, this is the source of the white/black marble “blackballing” in the old fraternal orders (odd fellows, masons) and later the greek-system version, or so I read once in the curators notes of a museum show about the IOOF et. al, at the Art Institute in Chicago.
Scott kindly left the house with the baby today to brave the farmers’ market, just they-two, so I could have some time to write. Time being another factor in the not-writing.
I’ve alluded previously to other sources of my crisis — the having just attended the conference, the why bother add my voice to the chorus, the everyone else is a better writer/commenter/web designer, blah blah blah.
The should I change the name of this blog or start a new one or start one for Jonah and one for me? Can I just change my handle. I don’t think anyone gets the joke. “Calm.” Ha!
And then there’s the weird anonymous or not factor. I’m not anonymous. I wonder if somehow my family will be harmed because our names are real here. I keep reading about bloggers going through and changing all the names. Based on many of my posts, you not only can find me and my boy, you know where you can hang out with us.
Not to mention how the awareness that my extended family watches this space, and that potential employers and clients may visit, causes me to stop and think before hitting publish. Although pushing that border is also part of the exercise. Can I be THIS honest? How about THIS?
And then, frequency. I have one fabulous blog friend who recommends writing every day, because that way you give yourself more chances of striking gold. I’ve seen many other bloggers advise to newbies to only write when you feel the muse moving. Not to mention the book I just bought at BlogHer entitled “No One Cares What You Had For Lunch: 100 ideas for your blog.”
I wrote about lunch in my last post. Is there an exception clause? I am somewhat of a professional food blogger.
(I bought the book because it reminded me of my Natalie Goldberg reading days when I used to get inspired by exercises. Considering doing MightyGirl’s book in 100 posts here, for the workout.)
And then I’m blocked because I think writing about writer’s block is soooooo uncool. Admitting I wasn’t invited to the blogher parties, talking about not fitting in, envying the skill and successes (and even the artful neuroses) of other bloggers, lifting my insecure writer skirts being both entirely unseemly and so already-done.
I woke up this morning to an incredibly inspiring and uncomfortably yet comfortingly similar story from this blogger, who had decided to give up on blogging — until BlogNosh magazine knocked her back into the game.
Does your mind travel in elegantly self-defeating spirals too?
I think anyone who puts anything of themselves into their blog will have moments of blogger doubt. i know I do. And it is amazing how much it takes over my mind when I do get them. It is one of the reasons I decided to take a break (and it is only a break).
I have to say that I think these blogger conferences are not good for the soul. Not that I have been to one. Nor would I want to do so. When you try to make blogging into a concrete thing, it takes something away from it. To my mind, blogging should be what it is – something we do on our computers from home, maybe meeting a few bloggers in real life from time to time – but not making it into something that exists. I can’t explain it really but I think that by having conferences, and trying to incorporate it into a place in real world, you take something away from it.
But blogging is great – do it when you want, write how you wish, take breaks as it suits you – be beholden to no-one. There is nowhere else we have that freedom.
So remember the great things about it and the wonderful people out there but enjoy them for what they are – ie as blogworld.
I keep meaning to leave a comment to say how gorgeous your son is looking these days – but I have not done so. But he does look gorgeous.
Take care
Reluctant Blogger’s last blog post..When you say nothing at all
Yes, as Calm Mama well knows, my mind does all that crap to me about my writing– but not about my blog writing. I blog like a fish swims. No, I do all that awful stuff to myself around fiction writing. Why am I doing it, why am I not doing enough of it even though I *say* I want to do it, why am I still working on this novel, who cares anyway…
Whereas the blog is just there. I do it when I feel like it. I have the readers I have and sometimes more of them drop by. My numbers are not mega terrific but OTOH I get linked to by interesting folk, like Israeli reporter Bernard Avishai, or New York Magazine, or that famous-in-the-world-of-economics professor at Cal, Brad DeLong. The numbers spike for a day or two, then settle down.
I swore off my blog for a while (like three weeks) because I thought I would write fiction more. Nah. I’m still just writing in dribs and drabs. I write about 8x as much bloggy non-fiction stuff as I do fiction. So maybe that’s what I write. I’ve decided to blog and don’t worry about it as long as I stick to my novel schedule.
(but I’ve been falling off my novel schedule – ak, the slippery slope – I’ve got a deadline for August 25 but I think I’m moving it to August 31 for the sake of calendar symmetry.
PS suddenly lots of my blog buddies are writing meta-musings about their reader hit counts, blog purposes, naked ambitions to move up in blog world. What is going on? Bernard Avishai, Richard Silverstein, now you. What do we get from more blogworld fame, anyway?
I mean, I know how to up my hit counts – blog “breasts not bombs”, write something incendiary about Israel/Palestine/Lebanon, or cover a breaking news story in a way nobody else does. BTW, Calm Mama, if you want more hits, write about and post pictures of breasts. Boobs. Tits. Nipples. Etc…. (those ought to up your counts for the day)
However I don’t like seeking hits by writing stuff I know will stir the pot. Makes me feel addictive and weird.
Meanwhile I had an IM conversation with a literary friend who blogs, all about what is the point of publishing in little magazines, and why do they matter more than weblogs or online journals?
Because they are good for your resume and matter to agents and publishers, she kept saying.
I am having existential angst because I wanted to say – but why do we care about agents and publishers? Argh…
Oh yes and what she said upthread – your son is gorgeous. Those blue eyes today, just blazing. So beautiful! I loved holding him even for a brief moment… He was so happy rolling around on the blanket, and hanging upside down from Mama’s hands.
Um? Have you been reading my blog lately. It’s been leaning towards the negative side, and has almost forgotten that it was started to discuss my days with the boys. I finally decided it was probably time I refocused on them.
I have also been contemplating starting another blog for my darker, self-loathing, and non-kid related thoughts, too. I even have a name for it, but I wonder if I can keep up with it any better than I do my first blog.
NoMasNinos’s last blog post..No Clothing Required
I could have written this (although probably not as well.) I feel it, all of it. I’m still trying to figure out what to do with it. I’m going back and forth and back again. You’re already way ahead of me, though, with the cool design and the url that doesn’t have a swear word in it and the ads and everything. I’m overwhelmed.
I just know there’s something to all this. And I’m clinging to that gut knowledge.
maggie, dammit’s last blog post..pfffffffffffffffft (the sound of my new poofy head leaking)
I kept a secret blog, while doing a large public project, in which I bitched about that project. I had about six readers, most of whom knew me. I was able to complain about folks without being public, but then of course there were times I wanted to complain about one or two of my six readers. What was I going to do, start a new, even more secret blog so I could complain about them? Why not just write a diary and keep it to myself? Then the project ended and the whole point of the blog became moot. Also, I decided I didn’t really want to develop a community online that was based on complaining and worrying.
I have now forgotten all about that blog, but it was a good place to vent for a time…
I do still keep a diary and I do still moan and groan. Most of my friends don’t really want to hear it though…
That’s the intoxicating part about blogging – write down your thoughts and get feedback – start a conversation. It’s so much more fun and less lonely than just writing in a diary.
Leila Abu-Saba’s last blog post..The Olive, the Fig, and the Chile
I like your blog the way it is, but then I’m biased. I think the name, the artwork, the content are all right on target. And I wouldn’t worry about posting your worries. I think, in fact, that sharing anxieties (and being able to offer comfort) is one of the greatest services a mommy-blogger can provide.
But perhaps there’s more of Julie that the handle “mommy-blogger” doesn’t fit. Another blog, anonymous or linked to this one, whatever suits you, might free you to post about art, writing, and all your other facets. I for one would be delighted to read whatever you write.
Laura H.’s last blog post..First and hopefully not only
I think we all have our “blogging absent-mindedness” moments where we just have no idea what to do! I know alot of people have began to get nervous about people seeing their daily lives but at the same time I think it’s awesome! I’ve been able to meet people close to where I am at and we can discuss things we know are going on. HUGS to you!
Jenna’s last blog post..MomDot Launch Coming!
I like your blog as is… and only you can know if you want to change focus. People’s blogs do evolve. And yes people start whole new blogs. I am really enjoying how you portray slices of your life with baby, and I like that you portray the angst and self-doubt as well as the transcendent moments.
Clearly a lot of us would read whatever you choose to write… I remember when you had a blog about bicycling and I read that, even though I really cared nothing at all for bicycling. You made it interesting.
when I started blogging I didn’t even know you could do it anonymously so I’ve exposed my entire family to all of my mental struggles and cursing and ridiculousness. They still love me. Or at least they say they do. Of course, they may have anonymous blogs complaining about me and I’d never know it.
Great. Another thing for me to be paranoid about.
You are NOT alone. I called Jay from BlogHer and announced that I had decided to give up blogging. It just takes so much TIME. And what’s the point, really? I still vascilate… maybe I need to take a month off. It’s exhausting, these mental gymnastics that we put ourselves through!
AbsolutelyBananas’s last blog post..Heartbreak
After two years of loving my blog, I logged in today to start drafting my “The End” post. Then I clicked over here and thought, well, maybe I’ll wait another week and see what I think. If I spent 1/3 of the time blogging that I spend thinking about the wheres and whys and directions and purpose of the blogging …
Leo’s last blog post..Inappropriate Target Conversation # 331
I have felt this same way after BlogHer, it’s like some sort of disease we all caught.
I’ve continued to write and still find joy in it, despite my own feelings of inadequacy and doubt and worry.
I think it’s cyclical, these feelings. I hope they’ll ebb for both of us.
Jennifer’s last blog post..Haiku Plugins
I didn’t go to BlogHer but in June I wrote “On Hiatus Until August 25”. Then I stayed out maybe a week. Maybe two weeks, tops.
I’ve decided that I just like to blog so I’m going to do it. The big flashing neon sign from the universe this week was when a highly respected Cal professor and economist “hoisted me from comments” – he turned a comment of mine about Lebanese and pizza into a front page post.
I don’t see that this made my site meter spike at all, but OTOH I am just so pleased that he noticed me. He has never ever responded to a single comment I’ve made before this, and suddenly I’m on the front page. Paul Krugman reads this guy. OK, I’m a geek. I am impressed that Paul Krugman might notice me. (I don’t know who *any* of these bloggers are that you all are talking about)
Maybe that’s the real pleasure of blogging. You get to connect with this tiny subset of people who share some piece of your interests, things that nobody in your “real” life is paying attention to. I mean, Juan Cole answers my email! Marc Lynch, Bernard Avishai and Philip Weiss link to me! Nobody in my personal life knows who these people are…. how could I give up blogging when I’ve got readers in Beirut and Dubai, some of whom I meet even meet soon?
“might even meet soon”…
I am truly amazed at how pervasive the malaise has been across at least some larger-than-expected subset of the internet. RB? AB? Lizette? All of us? It’s pretty wild! Forgot to mention another esteemed blog friend who put the brakes on recently, Damomma.
I am SO grateful for your comments and stories. This is the best thing about having a blog, saying the thing you were afraid to say and having others say, me too, and rock on!
I heart all of you.
Oh, my goodness! THANK YOU for writing this and posting it today! Just what I needed to hear. I’m relatively new to the blogosphere. Created mine about 3 months ago. So, no, I don’t have all the BlogHer issues. But I do share the downward spiral in terms of feeling less talented, less hilarious, less designed, and even less popular. I had no idea what I was getting into here. But here i am. I’m currently questioning everything. And trying not to beat myself up when something goes awry.
charrette’s last blog post..My Warm, Fuzzy World
I mean, the existential question of “what is it all for” still applies. I just started Twittering. I vowed I would never twitter, because why bother? Now I’m twittering. And nobody notices, so I’ve added more people and put a link to it on my blog…. Probably just a sinkhole and another way to goof off online. We’ll see how it goes.
http://www.twitter.com/bedouina
Leila’s last blog post..The Bus to the Beach
My mind is constantly travel in elegantly self-defeating spirals, and sometimes I think blogging makes it worse. Stat counters, comment feeds … unless the numbers are worthy of an ego boost, which mine are not, the self-defeating spirals can be intense.
Tricia’s last blog post..A Hypocrite’s View of Leaving Home
Hooray Charrette! Hooray Tricia! I too am a little tooooo obsessed with my stats. Of course we write to be read. Funny how my reach is in maybe the low hundreds on a good day here, and I used to be able to write for thousands when I was on staff at a newspaper. This is much more immediate, of course. And the interactive part is more fun.
Maybe I’ll make an archive page of my favorite old articles. More stuff to hope that someone comes by and looks at. Heh.
@Leila: Just figured out how to follow you on Twitter. Now need to figure out how to message people there. Definitely sink-hole potential.
More on the subject:
Many many bloggers weigh in on the to daily or not-daily post issue at this site:
Queen of Shake Shake
Does my mind travel in elegant self-defeating spirals too? Well, I’ve never been accused of being elegant, but besides that, um, oh YES! Almost daily.
Heather, Queen of Shake-Shake’s last blog post..T-Minus 13 Days and Counting
There is so much I could say about this post – I think you’ve successfully started a dialogue Julie!
Suffice to say I love reading your blog, maybe because our babies are close in age and you so articulately and succinctly describe a lot of the experiences I have.
So yeah, I read your blog to see how I SHOULD have written my stories. And maybe it’s a good thing I didn’t go to blogher – sounds like I would have had that high school not invited to cool parties deja vu all over again.
Oh and the anonymous thing. Wish I’d done that, ’cause my biggest reader is my mom which kind of limits how much I can post about, you know, discharge and sex droughts and feeling blue and stuff.
eva’s last blog post..Blah blah blah my kid’s a genius
Thank you for sending me a link to this. Yes, oh yes!
The more I read, Julie, the more I like. I should be trying to post daily, but I have so much other stuff to write it’s sometimes hard. So I am shooting for several times a week until my (outside) job ends. We’ll see.
A lot of my online and offline friends now know about my blog. I’ve debated using an anonymous one so I can write my black days, too. But I’m just not yet sure if I want to put that out there. Maybe someday.
becky’s last blog post..And so it goes – something ends, something else begins