I haven’t used up my year of discussing sleep, but I think we’ve hit enough of a pattern over the last few days that I can sum up.
As many moms have reported — thank you for all of your comments! — letting your baby cry before bed does not necessarily mean that after three days they become perfect sleepers without complaint.
At our house, it means that sometimes, we put the boy down and he protests for five minutes or less, sometimes ten, sometimes he screams at the top of his little lungs for 30 to 40 minutes. Even just tonight.
On the up side, he’s taking 2-3 naps a day, at 45 minutes to 2 hours each, and he’s sleeping 12 hours a night, with sometimes just one wake up to nurse at 3:30 a.m. (ish). Sometimes a little earlier, sometimes he wants a 5 a.m. snack.
Those of you who have been following the play-by-play may recognize this to be the AMAZING improvement that it is.
I wanted to be a crunchy Attachment Parenting mom. I wanted to co-sleep and have Jonah on my body all the time in a sling or somesuch and I wanted him to never cry. The problem is that Jonah has not ever wanted to be an attachment baby, by my estimation. (And it turns out that I just don’t have the stamina for it.)
Even early on, cuddling never seemed to be the answer for his tears. While he very much enjoys attention, and company, he also made clear that he has times when he wants his space. To rock out on his own.
The crying he does now is not all that much different from the crying he did before. BEFORE. Before we turned to the books for help, advice, a roadmap to how to let him cry, and, by their estimations, let him learn to soothe himself to sleep. I still carry some guilt so have to repeat this here, and frequently to myself. He used to cry A LOT while we rocked him down. Sometimes for hours. On the worst nights, as soon as we’d get him lulled to sleep and put him on the mattress, he’d shake himself awake and start crying again.
And then, when we did get him down, he’d wake up several times throughout the night.
Now, he sleeps. This is good for us, and good for him. I didn’t want to believe the learn-to-soothe-to-sleep thing. I thought it was hooey. My tendency is to place my faith in the crunchiest, granola-est, back-to-the-land-est theories, minority ideas that emerge as a response to an unthinking, heartless, corporate, industrialized majority.
(I’m this close to raising chickens and a goat. Just as soon as we figure out how to get back into weeding, and tend our urban farm of fruit trees, and replace our expanse of dead grass with… something.)
Maybe CIO is hooey? It’s certainly not the only way. The attachment folks may still be more right. Sweet Juniper wrote this great summary of how the big names battle for the title.
But I tried. We kept Jonah in the co-sleeping attachment or in the bed until he was six-months-old. And then I couldn’t continue. We weren’t getting enough sleep. It didn’t feel right anymore. I needed us to change. Something in me felt the change happening and went with what felt like the flow.
Ultimately, I have had to go with my gut, my baby’s personality, my personality, our situation. I had to try and see what would work for me. And overall, I feel like I listened to myself. Even if it has meant listening to him cry — which is still excruciating.
In the same breath, I have to say again, and remind myself — because I’m terrified I caused him harm — that, although we had our problems, he DID sleep before. Maybe not the maximum hours per night. Maybe he didn’t nap as much as he should have. We had some good days, and some bad. His effervescently chipper manic personality was actually somewhat related to MILD sleep deprivation. He’s more calmly chipper now.
I also should have been taking fish oil supplements every day. And my prenatal vitamins.
I am so imperfect.
I’m with you on the doing what works for your child. I was actually against co-sleeping before Zack was born but I found at about 12 weeks that he slept better and longer with me because he was sick. So we did it for about 6 weeks and then it became apparent that it was no longer working and back to his crib he went.
I also HATE to hear him cry, like when we took his binkie away, but now our life is so much easier because we don’t have to freak out if we don’t have one and he knows how to sooth himself without it.
You are the best most caring mom I have ever seen! You and Scott have done an amazing job and are raising an amazing child! And your writing this blog is so brave and honest! Give yourself a big hug, your imperfections are the most perfect attributes and the whole world should be as caring and loving as you!
I think you’ve realized the great truth–that you have to do what’s right for you, your family, your baby. Your choices may not be right for someone else, but theirs might not be right for you. You seem to have done a wonderful job of informing yourself on a variety of methods and then using that information to determine what works for YOU. There are lots of different means of being the “perfect” mom. In all honesty, nothing gets me more steamed than those folks who do believe that their way is the only way and aren’t willing to even consider that other people have different needs, ideas, or expectations.
I don’t think most moms ever stop worrying that they’re doing the right things for their kids. To me, just that worry, just that DESIRE to do the right thing means that you are a good mom, just trying to do your best each day.
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Thanks for sharing this post with us! The other day I had to drop off my nephew with another care provider and when he started crying it actually brought me to tears (once I was in the car & he couldn’t see me). It must be SO hard to listen to that crying, but yet gratifying to know that you’re really doing the very best thing possible for your family.
I’m going to have to bookmark this post in my “once we have kids” file.
Becky
http://www.stinkylemsky.typepad.com/
I just wanted to say…GOOD FOR YOU! What ever works for you is the best for you and your little one. Everyone is going to tell your there way is the right way but everyone has different kids. Each one of mine 6, 3 and 4 m (all boys) has been totally different than the next. You just have to roll with it. You haven’t damaged him, it is all a learning curve. The next one you will do better just because you can say been there done that.
FYI…Mine slept in our room until 3 to 4 weeks then moved to there own rooms. My first slept through the night at 2 months the next at 5 months and the last at 8 weeks. Something different has worked for each one. I will say though that I wish I was the mom to my two that I am for my third. I tried to do the same things for the second that I did for the first and it didn’t work they are totally different. The last we just go with it and it works. I do believe in scheduling it makes it easy to know what your baby needs and when he needs it. Nothing is better than experience. I made so many mistakes with them, but they seem to be normal for boys
Sorry didn’t mean for this to be so long!
Good luck and keep up the good work.
I’ve forgotten to take my vitamins for, oh, the last two months….
More congratulations on experimenting with techniques until you found what best suited Jonah and yourself. Certainly sounds like he is now getting the rest he needs.
I’ve been having similar struggles with books about feeding – they say at seven and a half months I shouldn’t be feeding Flanny strained foods anymore, that I should be feeding him mashed/lumpy table foods. Which he clearly doesn’t yet understand. Sometimes I feel that families do best when we just put away the books altogether.
Congratulations!
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we are all imperfect.
and i also do not have the stamina to be a full time crunchy attachment parenting parent. seriously, who has that kind of time?
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I wrestled with my own ideas and expectations about how perfectly I was going to do attachment parenting and how he would be so fabulously attended to that he would always smile. Then he was born and wouldn’t/couldn’t nurse and in the ensuing lactation consultant/breast pump/feeding tubes-taped-to-nipples hell, I stopped trying so hard with everything else and just tried to make breastfeeding work. It didn’t really, although he ended up nursing AND drinking gallons of formula every day until I was 3 months pregnant with 2d child.
We went through it with sleeping, carrying him around (he got so big that wearing him became impossible after 5 months anyway) and more.
First child did eventually sleep in the crib, when he slept, while second child stayed in our bed until he was nearly two. Oh yes and I always swore I would *NEVER* drive any kid of mine around in the car to get him to sleep, the way my parents drove me around. The environment and global warming. After six months of sleeptime traumas, we spent two years driving those babies around.
My ideas of what I *should* be doing made me more unhappy than anything I actually did or did not do.
I still regret the driving but it’s done.
You’re doing fine… hope you enjoy what you have the power to do and let go of what you think you *ought* to do…
Don’t you feel like you are sometimes going in circles? You try one thing, then try another, and before you know it, you are right back where you started, trying that Again.
If nothing else, I’ve learned never to say never.
You do what works for you and your child, because each child and mother relationship is SOOOOOO different – somthing that really sets in with the second. Some days it’s just about survival.
We’ve all done things we never thought we’d do, and that’s okay. You are learning to be a mom to Jonah, and he is learning to be the son of a fantastic mother.
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