guest post: things i learned the hard way so you wouldn’t have to (seriously)

Wow. I’ve never guest blogged before. I’m flattered to have been asked. Yay me! I’m Lizzy and I blog over at the house of h. Julie’s a pretty recent addition to my blogroll, but I’m so glad to “know” her. And? I love baybeeeeees. The Internetz lurves to welcome the baybees. And Julie’s quickly moved to the top of my Google Reader priority reading list.

When Julie invited me to provide a post for The Calm Before the Stork during the time of her delivery/first days with her newborn boy, I drew a blank. Um? Wha? And then, almost immediately I was transported back to the days just before the birth of my son, Henry. (And now we’re expecting our second baby. [Ohmygodwhathavewedone?])

Thinking back to those first days of motherhood, there were so many things that were So Completely Foreign to Me. I mean, why had no one told me about the lanolin? And thereby provided me with a bucket of lanolin and advised me to buy stock in Lansinoh? Oh, and you people weren’t kidding about the sleep deprivation, were you?

So, I thought I’d put together a little something for Julie and her new baby boy. (You know, so my suffering wasn’t in vain.)

Seriously, when people ask what they can do to help, ASSIGN TASKS.
We had so many people coming in and out of our house in the days and weeks following the birth of our son. Ever the hostess, I couldn’t fight the urge to offer water/tea/coffee/a snack to our guest — most of whom arrived bearing gifts.

Yeah, listen: go get your own cup of tea and while you’re in the kitchen, please may I have a glass of water and maybe a sandwich? And when your mother-in-law says “Can I do anything?” Do NOT hesitate to hand her a load of laundry or a grocery list or tell her where the Palmolive is. Otherwise, you’ll be making sure they’re all comfortable and no one will be taking care of you.

Besides, when else do you get to boss people around?

Seriously, sleep when the baby sleeps.
I was on such a Mommy High and felt so friggin’ invincible… ooh, baby’s napping…MUST DO LAUNDRY. And then suddenly, it hits. A wave of pure and utter exhaustion that has likely never been experienced. And then, without fail, the baby is up and wants to eat/poop/fart/burp/is cold/scream.

So truly, everyone and their Great Aunt Tilly says Sleep When the Baby Sleep. And everyone says it for a reason. Put the laundry down. Walk away from the dishes. Have a tall glass of water. AND GO TO SLEEP. (You’re welcome!)

Seriously, that hormone drop is a complete bitch.
This is one of the things that I was completely unprepared for. I cried every. single. day. for weeks. MONTHS. I had no idea that the hormone crash would be that big of a deal. I mean, I know hormonal. Hormonal and I are good friends, we go way back. So how bad could it be?

It can bad. And it can be devastating. Soul-crushing. Confusing.

When you factor in complete sleep deprivation, bleeding nipples, a baby that you have no idea what they want, a husband who’s going through his own stuff, and a house full of guests who all want or need you to do or be something…the hormone crash can really mess you up.

For example, I had a very difficult time nursing and Henry had a difficult time latching on. Breastfeeding was hard. Upon the recommendation of my lactation consultant, we decided it might be time to break in the breast pump. And the sensation and the noise were so odd to me. I believed I heard the motor of the breast pump calling me a failure. Truly. I heard it…”Fail-ure. Fail-ure. Fail-ure.” And then the motor morphed into a voice saying “Give up. Give up. Give up.”
We’ll chalk that up to a taste of the postpartum krayzees.

But listen, and listen closely: do not be afraid to ask for help or seek outside support if you feel completely overwhelmed and out of control. Postpartum depression is a very real, very scary thing. And it’s not always obvious. It can creep up on you. Do not be ashamed. Be brave and ask for help when you need it.

Seriously, breastfeeding is some hard work.

And it hurts.

Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. No matter how natural and wonderful and meadows and daisies and rainbows you feel about it. Nursing is HARD. Once you get the hang of it and the baby gets his groove on, it’s much easier. But at first?

Wow.

When Henry was about 10 months old, and 5 months after he self-weaned, a friend leaned over to me and said the best piece of advice her midwives had given her was to use a loofah on her nipples every day in the shower to help toughen them up for nursing. Hindsight is always 20/20.

Seriously, set a routine and stick with it.

We never read any of the baby books. Maybe we should of. We counted 100% on instinct. And, as it turns out, our instinct was correct.

The routine we set up for Newborn Henry included the following: eat, activity (diaper changing, burping, bouncy-seat-sitting, playmat all count as an activity), sleep.

And so, in a fit of pique and frustration and upon having had Secrets of the Baby Whisperer thrust upon us by multiple well-meaning friends and family members, we consulted The Book. And lo! We were right. (She calls it the E.A.S.Y method. Personally, it really helped him adjust his night/day schedule. And, it’s something we continue to use throughout his whole first year. He knew what to expect, and when. And, perhaps more importantly, so did we. Just sayin’.)

But The Most Important Thing we learned from The Baby Whisperer were the different types of crying. Our instincts led us far, far, far off our self-righteous primrose path. Here’s the skinny on crying, if it sounds like X it means Y. And oh my goodness, if it ain’t the gospel:
Neh = I’m hungry
Owh = I’m sleepy
Heh = uncomfortable
Eh = I need to burp
Eair = I have to fart, please and thank you.

Seriously, that first poop after delivery?
I’m just saying, take the Colace and make no immediate plans.

Seriously, drink a lot of water. And then drink some more.
Especially if you’re nursing.

Seriously, I hope you’ve loaded up your TiVo.
You’ll be watching more crap television than you ever thought was possible. You’ve gotta do something while feeding the baby.

Seriously, do not deny yourself a burrito and a Guinness at 4 in the morning.
That can totally change your outlook for the next 2 to 3 hours. (Also? It will likely be the best burrito and Guinness you’ll ever have. Because day-yum girl, you have earned it!)