I’m guilty. A few times, I said it. And he picks it up in that way that he does.
He’d be crying, fighting me on something: a diaper change, buckling into the car seat, something. Locked in a battle of wills. I’d be having one of my less-strong days. Maybe I’m crying too. And I say, “Why, Jonah? Why?”
So now, EVERY time I am doing something he’d rather I not do, he wails. WAILS! Nooooooo! WHYYYYYYY?
Why are you making me nap? Why do I have to go to sleep? Why won’t you nurse me for another hour? Why must I go in the carseat? Why put a diaper on me? Why take it off me? Why do I have to eat in the high chair? Why can’t I pull the cat’s tail?
Why does he have to do those things? Because.
Scott says Jonah probably doesn’t really even know what the word means. He just knows it’s appropriate to say it with that emphasis, in that context. He probably observes that it has a certain effect beyond just “no” alone.
The word does make you stop and think. Or want to chew off a limb.
At best, it’s a reminder to stop and ask myself, how important is this thing I’m trying to force on him?
Today was a series of negotiations. After trying for over an hour, I could not get him to nap, so I put him in the car (not an overly popular activity from his point of view) and see where we go, either we’d find entertainment or he’d be asleep in five minutes, which he was.
Two hours later, he woke up and we went into Whole Foods for a little necessary grocery acquisition and mutually pleasant activity. As we shopped, we shared an apple and two warm buttery biscuits. He rode pleasantly in the cart for a long while and then he saw all the TOPS! and LIDS! on the juice bottles in that aisle and could not be consoled when I didn’t let him play with them, unless I took him out and carried him freehand. All 21 pounds of him. While still pushing the cart.
We made a deal over a bottle of peach yobaby drink that got him back into the cart. YUMMY! he pronounced. I also let him play with the LID.
We get the groceries into the car and the protests start again. He doens’t want to get in the car. No. Why???
So I ask him, Do you want to go on a walk? WALK! He says. Ergo or Stroller? GO!
So we Ergo and we go. It’s not raining when we start, but the drizzle starts before we end. He absolutely will not let either one of us wear a hood. A man smiles at us as he walks by and Jonah shouts HAPPY! and points/waves.
We get back to the store, to the car. Jonah wants to nurse. So we do. Then I put him in the car seat and as soon as he’s firmly buckled, he says, with great urgency, Poop! Diaper! Poop!
Really? Okay.
So we go into the WF bathroom, try to put him on the potty first (No!) change his wet but poop-less diaper, and go back to the car.
It’s raining when we exit the store.
Rain, he says, like a sigh. I stop. Rain falling on our bare heads, in puddles on the wet sidewalk, lit by the store’s windows. Pretty, he says.
We watch for a while. And then I turn to go.
More, he says.
Okay, more. We stand in the rain a while longer.
I try to leave again.
More.
Okay.
Finally, on the third go, I decide we really need to go. He’s not happy about it but now it’s time to do what I want to do. Perhaps we do need to get the groceries in the fridge. But perhaps I could have stood to let us stand there a few minutes more?
Parenting is like a series of yoga poses. I have to keep trying to stay in each moment just a little longer than I think I can. Even if it hurts, I’m tired, I want to quit. And then I may be able to stay in a little longer than that the next time. I may stretch, grow, and surprise myself with strength I didn’t know I had.
When we got home, there was Juice! in a Cup! with only a tiny struggle regarding the high chair. When I wasn’t looking, he turned the cup upside down and poured the remaining juice all over himself and the floor. I gave him the rest of his Yobaby and he drank some, upended that.
Each time, I wiped him off, wiped up the floor. Didn’t make a big deal out of it. I read recently that toddlers need to make a mess with their food. (Another reminder of how much I don’t really need to control.)
I stripped him down, decided to give him a try on the potty. Potty, today, is his new favorite place. We sing songs. We play with his sign language flash cards. We read books. He asked for his hairbrush and smacked his head with it a number of times. Nice! He announced (as in I’m making myself look…)
And… he pooped! I cheered, but he wasn’t even that interested in the kudos. He just wanted to keep playing. When he requested the toothbrush I drew the line. I was done. We’re done!
Pajamas were another struggle. He didn’t want to put on the shirt, he wanted to play peek-a-boo with it. Which I did, a little bit. And then I wrestled it onto his head amidst more shrieking. No! Whyyyyyyy? No!
Then it was nursing, books, more nursing, and tonight, thank goodness, he nursed himself to sleep.
I don’t think I had one more battle in me.
agh. i think i’m starting to head in this direction with my one year old. she’s so strong willed and has such a temper and does not like to be told no. i know it’s my job to teach her that the world does not completely revolve around her so that she does not grow up to be an adult who feels entitled to get her way at all times but it’s such a struggle to stay compassionate with the idea that she’s a baby and still stay strong and calm while forming boundaries.
sorry, i’m rambling.
just to let you know that i feel your pain and empathize.
krista’s last blog post..alumni
It can be incredibly hard to stay in the moment as you put it so well. So. Very. Hard. I’ll have to remember that yoga analogy for when things get rough, to remind myself I can do this — I’ve done it before, I can do it again. Not always easy though.
And it’s hard knowing sometimes what’s worth the battle and what’s not. Sometimes I think my son should just do what I’m asking him to do — it shows he’s listening, he cares, he respects that I have a good reason for my request, etc. — alternatively known as because I’m the mom and I said so (and perhaps I’m a bit of a control freak). And then sometimes I have to remind myself that it’s okay to cede some control — is what I’m requesting really THAT important?
No answers, just lots of empathy. Sending you strength…
After I laughed so hard I couldn’t catch my breath I definitely felt your pain.The struggles are hard. I loved, however, that you stayed in the rain with him. The joy of having a child is experiencing his discoveries of ordinary things. keep on keeping on. You’re doing a great job. Keep on giving him as many choices as you can within the boundries of reason.
Darling – I laughed, too… and I feel you on this.
Remember when I said think very carefully about having two???
They are darling, precious, unbelievably amazing.
AND…
They’re an enormous challenge. Some things get easier, new things pop up to get harder.
Leila Abu-Saba’s last blog post..What’s for dinner: supper soup
Thank you all. Even though there is struggle involved, I am enjoying this push-pull. As well as yoga, each day feels like a zen practice and an improvisation.
I just found this post that I think describes this attention and patience and now-ness that kids have very well:
http://bubbleandsqueak.fr/2008/12/21/their-time-not-ours/
ooooh! mindful present parenting! this post is good too:
http://mama-om.blogspot.com/2007/11/invitational.html
Hi there,
Enjoyed your post! Especially how it all seems familiar
My girlie turned 20 months old this week and I swear the 2 year old behavior is thinking about emerging early!! Talk about terrifying, ha!
One thing I’ve noticed with my daughter that helps during the moments of our activity transitions is giving her choices. Instead of asking her do you want to go to bed or saying it’s bed time, we ask her do you want to go to bed in one minute or two minutes. I think it gives her more control to decide and she seems happier about moving on. If she gets mad we say oh, but it’s been two minutes. The other night the Daddio mentioned to her that it was almost time for bed. She said, “two minutes, Daddy.”
Maybe this will help to keep expanding Jonah’s vocab and give you less frustration sometimes. It’s helped me with that and also it’s helped me actually give her time to finish and prepare to move on. Thanks again for a great post I could relate to!
Oh the choices trick works for years. To the 7 year old: do you want to wear the blue shirt or the brown shirt? Eat Cheerios or toast w jam? Be rude and stay home or behave nicely and come along with mama to the store? etc. Although by age 10 or so they won’t care about going with mama to the store…
The theory around choices, from what I hear, is that they have so little control over their lives that they really appreciate and enjoy getting to choose – control – one small option. Whatever the theory, it tends to work.
Offering a choice, and diverting attention from the negative problem/conflict – my two favorite conflict resolution skills.
Leila Abu-Saba’s last blog post..Grandchildren of Holocaust Victim Demand: Remove Grandmother’s Name from Yad Vashem
Hey,
Just catching up with your posts. I love your writing, there is something so alive and vibrant in how you illustrate your time with Jonah.
The yoga pose analogy is a good one, and Jonah’s commentary on his experiences are absolutely precious, especially his exuberant HAPPY to the man on the street!
But, yes, tiring for mama, too. I know that one.
Blessings to you both,
Stacy
p.s. thanks for the link!
Stacy: Thank you AGAIN for the inspiration!
Leila and Susie: Choices, yes.
I’ll have to ask my mom to write a guest post about choices. She raised me with that concept. A book by Haim Ginott called Between Parent and Child.
Apparently that worked very well until we were in Toys R Us and I told her, You can buy me the red bike or the blue bike.
I remember the day at Toy R Us like it was yesterday. Classic.
I just loved that day in Toys R Us. The other day I loved was when we went through all the aisles and you were permitted to throw anything in the basket you might want. It was your birthday! Then we went through the basket and you picked out a few things that you really wanted. You were quite conservitive in your choices and very happy with them. Was that the same day or a different one?