no is a one way street

I recently realized something I should have noticed a while ago. I mean really. Who is in charge around here?

When that boy says ‘no’ he means no. No, don’t put me in that jumper. No, I don’t want to nap. No, no more of that food (followed by pthfff pthfff pthfff squinty spit face sounds for emphasis). He shakes his head at everyone. Hey kid, gimme five? No.

Sometimes it means no, just not this minute. If I’m offering him something, I may offer twice. Sometimes it’s yes later. Not the word yes, or the head shake, but the mouth open, accepting the food, or a hearty giggle. Yeeeesssss.

He’s started actually saying the word no, just a little bit. And it disturbed me to hear it out loud.

I got a helpful handout from my pediatrician at his one-year appointment entitled “Positive Parenting.” It talked about how if you say “No” all the time, your kid will view you as the-person-who-says-no. Instead of always saying no when your child is grabbing, say, cat food, or an electrical plug, try simply removing these tempting objects from his reach, distracting him, etc.

I say “no” to him all the time. I say it in threes “nonono” when he sticks his hand in the cat’s bowl et al. I sometimes say it sweetly. I sometimes say it harshly. But I say it altogether too much.

And then there’s the fact that he has absolutely no interest in my opinion in those moments. At best, he pauses, sits back, shakes his head in a faux “no” — he’s really saying, I understand, you said the word no. You want me to not do this thing, and just as soon as I’m done adorably shaking my head, I’m going to go ahead and do it anyway.

My no has no power whatsoever.

And I say it all day long.

So now, I’m going to go on a no diet. As much as possible, I’m going with increased positive language, acts of deflection, preemptive temptation removals. Eat your yestables.

The handout also said that for every no, you have to say ten yeses. That made me realize that I could be more verbal about my appreciation when he’s behaving like an angel. More color commentary. The trick is not to be facetious. He’ll see through that, I’m sure.