I’ve been having a hard time blogging lately. Did you miss me?
This THING happened recently, and I haven’t been able to get past it.
Someone whom I made angry decided to use what she knows of me from reading this blog to write the meanest, most ugly, unkind criticism, critique, whipping, beating, roundhouse blackout punch blog post about me, my lack of intelligence, and my lousy mothering skills.
Minutes after I commented on the post, she deleted it.
I’ve been wanting to just move on. Keep blogging.
But I’m stuck. I don’t want to fan the flames, but I cannot go on, saying nothing about what happened.
I know. She’s probably not the only one following my travails with a mixture of fascination and horror. That’s the risk I take by putting myself out here in the world. By being the introspective, honestly flawed, occasionally fearful person that I am. “Calm” mama. Ha!
Not calm. Not usually.
There are many ironies in this story. And a few other thoughts besides.
* * *
One.
Recently I’d been wondering to myself about how I might get a little more encouragement and emotional support from friends, family, internet compatriots. It’s hard out here for a mom. It can get isolating so easily. I’ve lost touch with old friends. I’m shy with new friends. Some days it’s hard to pick up the million pound phone and call anyone.
And scary. Trying to be a good mom. Trying to be the best me I can. Trying to give this boy everything he needs. To do that, I need: connection, friends, mom-and-baby activities, non-baby activities, conversations over tea, hugs.
There have been times when I’ve received a lot of support and encouragement. Especially in the beginning. In person and on this blog. I’ve loved every word.
I think maybe people feel like I’ve been at this for a while, I’ve got the hang of it. No need to give me gold stars anymore.
But I’ve been needing some gold stars. Compassion, love, a little keep-on-trucking.
When I called a friend after this incident and pointed out this irony she said — Look. It made you call me and ask for support.
Ah. Yes!
* * *
Two.
In a week, I may be writing for a bigger audience. More people to possibly find me ridicule-worthy. More people to woo with my wit.
No pressure or anything.
I’m often told I need to have a thicker skin. It is the irony of being me. I feel positively DRIVEN to share my experiences with others, in print and onstage. For years, I was a performance artist and improvisational actor. The majority of my work was non-fiction, based on my life. Before that, I got a bachelor’s degree in Anthropology. I used to joke that the performance art was the same, it’s just that the fieldwork site was inside my head.
I’ve always struggled with the etic/emic perspective. Am I watching myself from the outside, making clever observations in my notebook, or am I speaking from within the thick of tribe, having gone native with myself.
Okay, that’s confusing. File under: Being John Malkovich.
It isn’t enough that I have to wonder what my mother and mother-in-law will think when I write?
That has always been the problem. I’m sensitive. I’m afraid of being judged. I hated being edited the first time I wrote a story for publication. It took me a while to get good at accepting feedback and corrections. And in acting/theater? Ugh. Worse. Torture.
Yet I am driven. I go back for more. (Heh, funny typo. I accidentally wrote ‘I go back for me.’)
I guess it’s a good thing. A call to arms. A reminder. I need to worry less about what anyone thinks of me. I need to judge myself less and be me more.
* * *
Three.
This incident made me stop and ask this question: Why do I blog?
Some days, I do it because I want to be loved. Not just for how brilliant and funny I am, but in a way that isn’t useful. I see people out there on the internet, loving each other. And I want in. I want people to send me “perfect post” badges. I want a big famous blogger to like me and tell all her friends and then they’ll like me and we’ll all Twitter together.
But here’s the thing. The big fat silly stupid thing. I’ve made wonderful friends on the internet. I’ve been given badges, featured on other blogs, had wonderful things written about my writing, invited to guest post. I helped throw a virtual baby shower for a woman I’ve never met. I’ve had amazing bloggers guest post here. It’s been lovely. Also awe-some: Some of my internet friends have widely divergent religious and political beliefs from my own.
I’m sure I’d have more internet friends if I Twittered more, read and commented on more blogs, figured out Stumble Upon, wrote something on BlogHer. You get what you give, and truth be told, I’ve always been terrible at the social networking side of blogging. I connect in spurts, and then it gets quiet again. Maybe when Jonah is older I’ll have more time and energy for it, or not.
But you know when you’re feeling bad about yourself and a little lonely and then you do go trotting around the internet and it seems like everyone else knows each other and they’re all at this big party and you’re just weirdly eavesdropping?
But the feeling, that’s the thing that isn’t real. It isn’t true. It’s just a movie. A bad movie projecting against the inside of my head.
Turn on the lights!
* * *
Four.
I will say that my greatest achievement in this blog might be these three posts which seem to get the most traffic on any given day:
how to (not) buy a glider chair for the nursery
more prenatal tests: don’t worry
I can only assume from the search terms people are using that the first post helps them realize that one faint and one dark pink line on the pee stick means you are in fact pregnant.
The second post must be a nice comedic time-out from all the gear shopping (since it’s not really teaching them how to build or successfully buy a glider chair).
The popularity (click count) of the third post is the highest, and the most unexpected. When I was diagnosed with a two-vessel cord during my pregnancy, there was little, if any reassurance on the internet as far as I could google. I am so grateful to the people who have shared their personal experiences and advice in the comments on that post. I feel lucky to have created a gathering point for the people who might be as worried over that diagnosis as I was. It’s not all good news in the comments. It’s honest news though, heartfelt, and helpful.
* * *
Coda.
Why do I blog? Really? The love, yes. I need love. Cliche, and true. But also, I wanted to be of service. I share my experiences because I hope someone will read them and say, me too. I’m not alone.
The thicker skin, I’ll work on.
I really relate to this post. 1) the need to connect on line – and why? who are my friends here, really? What am I looking for – love and attention and intellectual stimulation?
2) the need for approval & gold stars. Well darling, I’m glad you’re asking, because it reminds me to give it more.
3) the whole social life vs. internet life conundrum. I just spent 3 weeks largely offline, in the most social circumstances possible. In the Levant you cannot be alone if you speak Arabic. People drop in all the time, people invite you in for coffee, sweets, lunch, whatever. I reveled in it while sometimes chafing … used my illness as an excuse to set boundaries. (No morning visits, let me nap from 4 to 6 pm as well).
I came home resolved to be more Lebanese in California – see my friends in person more often, just for simple tea and love. You and Jonah and Scott are tops on the list. XOXO
and p.s. you’re doing a fabulous job. I have trolls, too. It’s the nature of the internet…
Leila Abu-Saba’s last blog post..Pictures
It’s amazing how far some people will go to make someone else feel small. I remember having a teacher tell me once that it’s only people that feel bad about themselves that try to make other people feel bad about their own selves too.
The more readers you get, the more likely you’ll get the dreaded trolls. But, on the sunny side, more people will love you and your writing!
Oh no. I’m so sorry that happened to you!
I came close, as I got a google alert about something someone wrote that linked me, but it was gone by the time I went to look. But the excerpt wasn’t good, let me tell you.
Anyway, I don’t know why people do that. But I really hope you are able to move on (because it’s silly to expect you to forget it).
You really hit on the SAME feelings I’ve been having. Are we running parallel or what?
“I’m sure I’d have more internet friends if I Twittered more, read and commented on more blogs, figured out Stumble Upon, wrote something on BlogHer. You get what you give, and truth be told, I’ve always been terrible at the social networking side of blogging. I connect in spurts, and then it gets quiet again.”
I TOTALLY AGREE. I could have written that.
And maybe the fear of being judged is why I haven’t written more about the baby’s fall. Mortified still.
Maybe my babbling isn’t making sense. So, I’ll say this:
ME TOO!
(Except for the writing to larger audiences part – jealous! Ha! Nah, happy for you. I hope to hear more soon.)
Always available via email if you need to talk.
becky’s last blog post..End of something good?
It’s amazing actually how you can get the wrong idea about someone – how they are, how they are coping, whether they are sensitive to things – because I did think you had a thick skin. And yet of all the people really I feel I should have been able to see. Because I was just like you for years – I seemed to be coping (I was coping) but I also needed support and reassurance and friendship and yet didn’t feel able to go out there and get it. I became very isolated but on the surface I know I seemed ultra-competent and jolly. And if I had had a blog at that time it would probably have been a lot like yours, writing it as it is (except not as beautifully written!).
The social side of blogging is so much easier to manage when you are already socially confident isn’t it? ie when you need it less it is easier to do. I manage it fine now but know I wouldn’t have done a few years ago.
I am really sorry this horrid person has hurt you in this way. It’s hard to get past something like that when you are a big thinker. It sounds a stupid thing to do, but once when I found myself in a similar position, where there wasn’t actually anything I could do to get over it or deal with the person directly, someone suggested I wrote to the person in detail, printed the letter, put it in an envelope and then burnt it on the fire or put it in a rubbish bin. I was very sceptical about it at the time but I did, really did write as if I thought they would read it and burnt it. And I cannot tell you how it helped – it lifted an immense weight and let my mind run relatively free again. Worth a try maybe?
I don’t comment that often simply because I worry that, because my children are older and the day-to-day ups and downs you face seem far away and in a way insignificant to me now, that I will seem to undermine the way you feel. It is hard to think myself back to those days. But your writing is very evocative and sometimes you do whisk me back to my worries about lack of sleep and other things and then I do.
But it is true that you do get more support if you put yourself out there a bit more. It’s just hard to do that when you are tired, busy and feeling a bit shy. I am actually quite similar but a bit braver these days. It is worth the effort if you can find the right people. I love my regular blogs and bloggers.
If you do ever want to talk – particularly about blogging worries – please do email me. I am always around!!
xxx
Reluctant Blogger’s last blog post..My Favourite Things
I’m so glad to have found you. It sucks that this happened, and I hear you. The need for support, especially as a new mama is one of the reasons I want to blog, but it’s a scary thing to put yourself out there. I am still worried about what might come of my own writing, but found myself saying, “What kind of person would judge you for your writings?!” We may not all see eye to eye, but couldn’t we at least be decent to one another. Thanks for writing -for what it’s worth, I found this inspiring!
coffeegrl’s last blog post..Back from the break: Culture shock
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again (though it’s been a while since I’ve commented — in addition to my 4 year old son, I’ve now got a 3 month old baby girl)… I love reading your blog. I thoroughly appreciate your honesty about the good, the bad, the ugly. You are definitely not alone! Being a mom is hard. And scary. And wonderful, too, as you well know. Some days are easier, some not so much. And just when you think you know what you’re doing, your child up and changes on you… new routines, new challenges. But you are doing it!!! As I keep telling myself… I’ve kept my children alive this long I’ve gotta be doing a decent job
Repeat to self as often as necessary.
Gold stars to you!!
Hey calm mama…I check your blog a lot. I’ve got you bookmarked under my favorites and I’m a horrible lurker and should comment!! Sorry I haven’t done that more often.
I like reading what other Moms are dealing with. It makes me feel a bit more sane and a lot less alone during the day when my only conversations are with toddlers and darn telemarketers.
The best thing about this nice little internet world is the connection I find through all these blogs I read that are written by people I’ve never even met. Opening up your world and sharing your life is not easy and I commend you for doing it.
I started blogging mostly for close family and friends and a chance to post a few pictures of my daughter. Lately I have no idea who has been reading, but I’m getting more views and it’s a bit scary to continue sharing your opinions, mistakes and fears. You make it easier for me to do that, so thanks for your example.
susie’s last blog post..Who are you 49??
Y’know, I think it is the very flexibility of your thinking that threatens people who cling to some orthodox vision of what mothering “should be.” You’ve allowed your own experience, your child’s personality, and new knowledge to shape how you’re parenting.
That makes you an amazing mother. As I said in person, you’re the least lazy mother I know. Any self-proclaimed High Priestess of Mothering can just piss off if she says otherwise.
And for heaven’s sake, you’re KIND to other mothers. Zealots claim they’re interested in supporting other mothers, but they’re not. They’re just zealots.
Another reason I love this blog, apart from your prose and humor? It’s enabled us to become friends in real life. It’s not easy to put your words and experience out into the world, but please remember that those of us who cherish your writing far outnumber that single Mommy Torquemada out there.
Laura’s last blog post..Back and forth
So sorry!! You have a thicker skin than I do that is for sure. I have had a few bad experiences and they made me turn tail and run for high ground. Good for you to keep going.
As a mom I know how it feels to feel like you are alone with this one other person who is totally dependant on you. As a rule I try to have my week laid out so I know what I am doing from day to day. I also make sure that I call at least one of my friends daily. Even if they aren’t home I just leave a message and say Hi I was thinking of you today hope your day is good. It helps me to know that I am not alone and that I do have support out there.
Good luck to you and keep up the wonderful work.
I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with such negativity. Gah!
Good for you for putting this out there. Parenting IS hard, I think that’s why blogging is SO important. Other people feel the way we do, other people need support just like us. With that said, there are people who don’t feel any burden by parenting (or at least lie and say they don’t) and will leave hateful comments or write negative things about others on their blogs.
Thick skin? Yes, it would be nice. Let me know if you find some. I could use it myself.
Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for children’s last blog post..My polygamist beginnings, please don’t tell the Pope
I have NO IDEA what that bitch wrote about you or why, but hope you can feel the internet love flowing from my wee blog up in North Vancouver. Your writing is always wonderful, and you share your experiences with us to a far greater degree than I ever could. There you go – you’re a bloggy hero!
And I TOTALLY understand the “million pound phone” thing. My solution has been to get only the email addresses of moms I meet and seem to click with – if they’re not email types, they’re probably not my type! Inviting people to stuff using email has been far less intimidating for me than using the damn phone. Which weighs far far too much.
eva’s last blog post..Good News, Bad News
This is your mother speaking. I love you. I love your courage. I love your honelsty. There is nothing you could possibly do that would make me lose that love for you. Keep on writing. You are doing good in this world. Don’t stop!
Dear everyone,
Thank you so much. Your support is extraordinary. I am so grateful!!!!
Julie
I can really relate to this post. I started blogging because I wanted a creative outlet for my many (boring) hours at work. But, if I’m being honest with myself, I know that I’ll never have the level of ‘fame’ of the ‘popular’ bloggers – because I, too, am no good at the social networking part of blogging.
I write to keep in touch with family members in other states, I write because I think I’m a decent writer and I’ve let my skills become rusty; someday, I hope to write about my children – again so family in other states can feel connected.
I don’t write to be popular, I don’t write for money (hah!), and I don’t write for ‘fame.’ In fact, it’s probably a good thing I don’t have throngs of readers because I can guarantee you my skin’s not thick enough to deal with the Mean Girls out there. And it never will be.
But, that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t keep on writing, right?
Hang in there!
Becky
((gold star dust))
You are an excellent, intelligent, brave, passionate, and creative writer.
You are a loving, intelligent, passionate, energetic, and dynamic mom.
You are rearing and nurturing my grandson! You love and support my son!
I admire your courage in writing about the everyday events, the painful events, the joyous events that happen in your life. I’m remiss in not sharing that with you, but I’m definately in your corner and on your team and pulling for you all the way.
I’m so glad to read all these eloquent posts about the quality and humanity of your blog. I’m jetlagged and sleep-deprived so I couldn’t be as specific and as effusive. May I just say, me too? What they said up above…
Leila Abu-Saba’s last blog post..Another song
I cannot imagine what some mean person “said” out there in blogLand , and I cannot even imagine why. Your blog has been SO very helpful and informative and comforting to so many new moms struggling to figure it out for the first time.
You do know that “perfect mom” is the greatest myth of all out there….. Having kids is the most amazing thing ….and a lot of hard work! It is crazy making sometimes, frustrating, exhausting, and often overwhelming….But, in the midst of it all there are those perfect and wonderful times that warm our hearts! You have shared it all so openly and honestly. What a gift you have given! Keep on sharing! And keep on being you!!!
With love!!!
me, too!
There are so many reasons for blogging … I am so glad you do it, and, you know, don’t let the turkeys get you down. If I may go all 80s Hallmark on you.
xox
mayberry’s last blog post..Blog Action Day: Poverty
I’m so sorry I wasn’t here to give you your much deserved gold star when you needed it most. I’m sorry you went through this. Perhaps the silver lining is the clarification of why you’re here for yourself, because that’s all that really matters. It is.
And the big bad Alpha-blogger circle is an illusion. It is. I promise.
maggie, dammit’s last blog post..Believe
Really ticked off at the insensitive lady who chose to target a mother who’s only doing her best.
Pooja’s last blog post..Off to the races / Derby Weekend