sleep, the conclusion?

I haven’t used up my year of discussing sleep, but I think we’ve hit enough of a pattern over the last few days that I can sum up.

As many moms have reported — thank you for all of your comments! — letting your baby cry before bed does not necessarily mean that after three days they become perfect sleepers without complaint.

At our house, it means that sometimes, we put the boy down and he protests for five minutes or less, sometimes ten, sometimes he screams at the top of his little lungs for 30 to 40 minutes. Even just tonight.

On the up side, he’s taking 2-3 naps a day, at 45 minutes to 2 hours each, and he’s sleeping 12 hours a night, with sometimes just one wake up to nurse at 3:30 a.m. (ish). Sometimes a little earlier, sometimes he wants a 5 a.m. snack.

Those of you who have been following the play-by-play may recognize this to be the AMAZING improvement that it is.

I wanted to be a crunchy Attachment Parenting mom. I wanted to co-sleep and have Jonah on my body all the time in a sling or somesuch and I wanted him to never cry. The problem is that Jonah has not ever wanted to be an attachment baby, by my estimation. (And it turns out that I just don’t have the stamina for it.)

Even early on, cuddling never seemed to be the answer for his tears. While he very much enjoys attention, and company, he also made clear that he has times when he wants his space. To rock out on his own.

The crying he does now is not all that much different from the crying he did before. BEFORE. Before we turned to the books for help, advice, a roadmap to how to let him cry, and, by their estimations, let him learn to soothe himself to sleep. I still carry some guilt so have to repeat this here, and frequently to myself. He used to cry A LOT while we rocked him down. Sometimes for hours. On the worst nights, as soon as we’d get him lulled to sleep and put him on the mattress, he’d shake himself awake and start crying again.

And then, when we did get him down, he’d wake up several times throughout the night.

Now, he sleeps. This is good for us, and good for him. I didn’t want to believe the learn-to-soothe-to-sleep thing. I thought it was hooey. My tendency is to place my faith in the crunchiest, granola-est, back-to-the-land-est theories, minority ideas that emerge as a response to an unthinking, heartless, corporate, industrialized majority.

(I’m this close to raising chickens and a goat. Just as soon as we figure out how to get back into weeding, and tend our urban farm of fruit trees, and replace our expanse of dead grass with… something.)

Maybe CIO is hooey? It’s certainly not the only way. The attachment folks may still be more right. Sweet Juniper wrote this great summary of how the big names battle for the title.

But I tried. We kept Jonah in the co-sleeping attachment or in the bed until he was six-months-old. And then I couldn’t continue. We weren’t getting enough sleep. It didn’t feel right anymore. I needed us to change. Something in me felt the change happening and went with what felt like the flow.

Ultimately, I have had to go with my gut, my baby’s personality, my personality, our situation. I had to try and see what would work for me. And overall, I feel like I listened to myself. Even if it has meant listening to him cry — which is still excruciating.

In the same breath, I have to say again, and remind myself — because I’m terrified I caused him harm — that, although we had our problems, he DID sleep before. Maybe not the maximum hours per night. Maybe he didn’t nap as much as he should have. We had some good days, and some bad. His effervescently chipper manic personality was actually somewhat related to MILD sleep deprivation. He’s more calmly chipper now.

I also should have been taking fish oil supplements every day. And my prenatal vitamins.

I am so imperfect.