new day, new baby

The baby of today bears little or no resemblance to Thursday’s child.

Could you tell that yesterday’s post ended abruptly? I was going to write all about breaking down, but was too tired and broke down to tell the story. Let’s just say, that of all 44 days of the Little Boo’s life, yesterday was my least favorite.

It’s not entirely his fault. Although he did cry all day pretty much, screaming cries like he was being poked with sharp pins. He’d barely slept (nor let us sleep) the last two nights, so all of us were at the end of our ropes, or more like live wires with no insulation.

It was in that state that I looked over at the baby next to us in yoga class, a little six-week-old boy. Mama was playing head-shoulders-knees-and-toes with him and he was just smiling and laughing.

And I lost it. Tears streaming down my face as I did my spinal twist. The Mama next to me offering sympathy. “No sleep?” I nodded.  Better not to admit out loud that I’m actually crying because my baby hasn’t smiled yet. Not like that. With eye contact and all.

The lack of sleep issue was truer than I realized. But I couldn’t see it then. And when the yoga teacher chimed in with the colic sentence…

By the time I got us into the car we were both crying. Wailing. I don’t know what his story was, but I was thinking about that woman I’d met at a party while I was pregnant, who told me that being stressed while pregnant causes baby to have colic. My fauuuuulttt!!! I’m doooooooooomed!

I stopped at the post office to mail my self-employed SDI payment, parking the car next to the row of mailboxes, turning off the car, stepping out into the light rain, shutting the door, almost muffling the sounds of the wailing boy within.

For a few moments, I just stood there.

That afternoon, I spoke to my post-partum doula. She still thinks baby J isn’t colicky, although she agrees that he’s more high maintenance than most. I can’t remember all the things she said, but I know I felt better for a bit after we talked. I believe I said a few unloving choice curse words about my sensitive son. And that we laughed a little.

Scott and I talked that evening about how I might get some more help. Clearly I was losing my mind. Should we hire a nanny? Housekeeper? Someone who can do both? How many hours? How much do they charge? How to begin? Can I even allow myself to get help? I should be able to do this!

We looked on craigslist.org and found a woman who said she loves to do laundry and is interested in providing infant care. I called her.

She said a lot of things about wanting to be useful to someone, and how she is only available part time and cannot commit to a predictable schedule especially since she is caring for three dogs, one of them sick. She also mentioned that she never had kids, and she’s never actually done infant care before but she thinks she’d be good at it.

Ummm… no.

And then, last night, our boy slept in nice big chunks — one chunk in our bed after I nursed him lying down. I dreamed I rolled over on him which was scary, but when I woke up he was still there and just fine.

I talked to a friend this morning about my trials and she mentioned that her baby sleeps a lot during the day.

Ah, sleep!

Like the burping discovery, it seems like perhaps I hadn’t been trying enough times during the day to help the boy nap. No wonder he was so fussy. Being tired is no joke.

Maybe this new discovery helped us turn a corner. Maybe he made a developmental leap, maybe he was just so worn out from yesterday, but…

After I got off the phone with my friend, I nursed Jonah, was able to set him in the non-vibrating bouncy seat (we put new batteries in, but it’s apparently broken) and take a shower, and then went about getting ready to swaddle him and rock him, etc. I gave him a pacifier, put him up on my shoulder, laid out the blanket, and POOF! He was already fast asleep in my arms. Wow!

The rest of the day I enjoyed this new baby who ate and slept with very little complaints, even during diaper changes. I let him sleep on me from about 12:30 to 4, rather than risking having him wake up from being placed in the bassinet. (I napped, rested, meditated during that time.)

Even so, he’s in the midst of another long nap that started on me in the glider chair, transferred to Scott in the glider chair, and then to bassinet where he’s still soundly out, which allowed us to eat dinner.

Of course, now we’re a little worried that he won’t sleep again later.

Gulp.