roller coaster (of looo-oo-ove… and crackers)

It’s 5:53 a.m.

So, in college I never took a class that started before 10 a.m. For most of my life, morning has been something for other people. I’m a night owl. Used to have a list of friends I could call at midnight to chat with, list of TV shows I loved that aired at 2 or 3 a.m. (even when I didn’t have cable!)…

With pregnancy, I’ve suddenly become an early riser. Second day in a row that I’ve been up before 5:30 a.m. (yesterday it was 4:00!). What?? Who is this person?

Hormones, my friend. I must get some kind of early morning surge, best as I can figure.

Now, officially on Week 6 of this ride, I know more what being pregnant feels like. Roller coaster is apt, because motion is nauseating. Acid trip wouldn’t be far off, I think — since I’ve never actually taken the stuff — but how else to describe the intense waves of emotion, colors looking brighter…?

Yesterday I walked around with a box of crackers in my purse. Couldn’t really be bothered to transfer the crackers from box to more purse-friendly ziplock bag. Just me and my big box, popping out the top of my handbag. Even when we went to dinner at a fancy restaurant last night. I feel comforted by my box.

Doing okay at this level of nausea, hoping it doesn’t get worse…

And can we just have a moment of silence for the weird combination of being freezing cold and literally shivering to alternating with what must be similar to hot flashes? (Currently having hot flash.)

Yesterday I had my first confrontation with a friend who was genuinely shocked that I had gotten pregnant. This is also a friend who is 50, and had decided with her partner not to have children; the friend who’d herself seen and therefore recommended the Ambivalence Therapist.

Her responses were like a form of person-who-knows-too-much Tourette’s:

I thought you’d decided you weren’t going to have kids?
Did Scott talk you into it?
Were you just not using protection?

Ummm… yes, I was ambivalent, but no, I hadn’t made that decision… no, he didn’t… no, it wasn’t an accident; it was intentional, at least mostly.

At first I was guarded, defensive. I don’t have to explain this to her.

What have I done, anyway?

…My biggest fear is that this wasn’t intentional enough on my part. I didn’t go marching around telling everyone, or even myself, that I wanted to have kids. I’d struggled with the idea, and shared that struggle with friends, various massage professionals and aestheticians… Why is having someone work on some part of your body akin to entering a confession booth?

As I am typing this entry, Scott wobbles into my office, bleary-eyed, and says, “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”

Exactly. What am I doing up this early???

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